1. Star Wars

As well as being more crass than a drunken 16-year-old at a porn party, this film also marked the start of the Summer Blockbuster monstrosity, the start of large-scale merchandizing, and it almost killed proper Science Fiction films. It will thus always be deserving of the deepest spite.

The story is ridiculously simplistic: good guy underdog beats all the heavy-duty bad guys - it’s basically The Lone Ranger in space. Then we have the completely hammed up acting, the dire script, the bogus mythology and to top it all off a furry alien and 2 camp robots. It’s basically a kids film with everything in it utterly dumbed down, even to the level of good guys in white and bad guys in black. And that’s the basic reason  why I can’t stand it: it’s so simple and stupid that it doesn’t engage my mind on any level at all. It’s about as true to proper science fiction as a WI jam-making session is.

2. Forrest Gump

There are three chief strands to the hideousness of this film. Firstly, the sickly-sweet homespun philosophy that’s as American as abducting people and torturing them, which basically says that if you try as hard as you can, you will succeed. Newsflash: No you won’t! Every day people give it their best shot and fail. In the Olympic 100m final, all 8 give it their best shot and 7 of them lose. That’s real life. Secondly the story, which basically says that knowledge and intelligence are overrated: no, they aren’t. Thirdly, the almost mind-meltingly obtuse script. Life is like a box of chocolates, my arse.

3. Die Hard

Bruce Willis in a vest. Yippeekiyay, indeed. How on earth they managed to spend so much money making something so boring, unrealistic and dumbed-down is a mystery to which we may never know the answer. This film commits the terrible sin of treating it’s viewers like fools. Willis is an indestructible one-man army, rather like a reincarnated Man With No Name: it’s impossible for him to die, no matter how many bullets get fired at him nor how many explosions are aimed at him. The police are dumber than a bag of hammers and the baddie is smart, but not as smart as Willis. The basic failing is that it treats the viewer as being less smart even than a domestic science teacher.

4. Blair Witch Project

A “horror” film without horror. Absolutely nothing happens in it apart from some kids in the woods and a lot of Shaky Cam work. Appalling script, terrible acting, badly made. The principle of leaving things to the viewer’s imagination is taken to the logical extreme here, with nothing being shown at all. As a result, my imagination went to sleep and my engagement with the film was zero. There’s no action, no story, no interest, and there isn’t even any colour. There’s nothing to make you interested or to make you care about the characters. It’s an exercise in emptiness.

5. Gone With The Wind

A classic to many people, but I honestly think this film is actually bad. There is possibly a decent 90 minute film in this fighting to get out but at almost 4 hours it feels like death. But worse than the excessive length is the excessive acting. Not a single over the top gesture is left unused: it’s as subtle as a flying mallet and as obvious as the socks in a heavy metal singer’s Spandex pants. This is pure soap opera, but about an egotistical spoiled brat who only loves herself and the rest of the world can go hang. Do I care for this pampered prat? No, I don’t.

It’s morally dubious too, with a poor little rich girl getting a bit miffed at becoming poor like normal people and somehow we’re supposed to feel sorry for her - No way, Hose! And doesn’t she effectively prostitute herself for money? I think she does. And can I detect a little over-positive mythologizing of The South here too? I think I can.

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If I insulted a film you like, sorry about that, but this is all just my opinion. If you have a different one, or even the same one, I’d like to hear about it.

Cheers, Tom.